


Please Be Lonely

by Just_Hold_Me



Category: Haikyuu!!, KurooTsukki - Fandom, Tsukkiyama - Fandom
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Future, Infidelity, KageHina - Freeform, KurooTsukki - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Other, daisuga - Freeform, tsukkiyama - Freeform, yamatsukki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 10:06:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 9,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10409700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Hold_Me/pseuds/Just_Hold_Me
Summary: Tadashi knew it all along. He knew it even before Kei admitted it to himself that someone else had intruded his heart. Kei wanted to make everything right but he never knew that he's already losing time.(I suck at these summaries so yeah hope you still give this a shot ;)





	1. Tadashi : Bother

**Author's Note:**

> **Important:**  
> There would be mentions of cancer in this fic and I have to say that I know how serious this disease is. I didnt use it to just carelessly throw it around in this story. I had first hand experiences with my family members and I'd like to share the self confusion it gives to someone who has it. Thank you for understanding and I hope you enjoy the fic :)

Everything's going well for Tsukki. He's acing his classes, he's lined up for the national team and his friends and family strongly support him.

I am truly happy about this and the least I could do it's is not to be a bother. My phone buzzed and I quickly viewed the message from Tsukki. 'Might be back late, don't stay up.'

A wave of sadness washed over me but then I know that I should not interfere with his decisions. I quickly typed a reply, thinking twice before sending it. 'sure no prob. Going out with the team?'

His reply was quick so I assume he's on a break.

'Just with Kuroo and Bokuto. Class starting, have to go'

My head and heart flooded with dread when I saw his name, Kuroo. We both know he likes Tsukki but maybe that's why I never questioned it. Whatever happens, it's up to Tsukki to decide who he'll be with. But I am his boyfriend now and knowing that I have all the rights to purge makes me more tempted to cause a fuss about it.

Will it change? I took a deep breath and sighed all my doubts out of my body. Goosebumps broke out my skin and suddenly I was hurling over the toilet vomiting out my lunch. My head's been aching since morning so I assume it's time I see my doctor.

I took some of the low dose aspirins I have left before going to the doctor alone, as always. I have Polycythemia since I was young and I have always been careful about my actions and the things I take but lately I guess walking a lot in the campus doesn't seem to be enough exercise to keep my blood flowing. It wasn't fatal so I figured not to let it take over my life. I might just need another draw.

The hospital smelled the same, everyone looked the same except the face I knew. My doctor, Miss James sat in her office waiting for me as I was let in by the assistant nurse.

"Hello Tadashi, how are you holding up?"

I smiled and took the seat in front of the desk just like many times before.

"I'm good. Just having headaches lately. I'm guessing I need to get some blood drawn?"

She fished out a folder of my records looking at some writings humming at my report.

"I see. How about vomiting or fever?"

"I throw up sometimes, fever on evenings but not too high." I said honestly, lying doesn't really work here.She skimmed the paper inside the folder, looking at the writings intently.

"Okay, we'll get blood today and then do some tests. I'll get you to come back for results but now let's increase the aspirin dose." She proceeded to check my vital signs recording them before we say goodbye and I was off, back to our apartment. The radio drowned the quiet somehow making me feel not as alone as I was when I got here.

I wrapped the prepared dinner for Tsukki, leaving a note for him to heat it up before eating then I headed to bed. My head felt a little fuzzy, but no aches, I just feel sick in general.

Hopefully it will be better in the morning, and I'm not just talking about my condition.


	2. Kei : Neglect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You dream of our fortunes but you're wrong, I don't belong to you" - Belong by Cary Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Polycythemia - an individual having too many red blood cells making it thicker than normal.
> 
> *This story has 2 POVs Kei and Tadashi**

Going out for karaoke or wasting time as I'd phrase it,wouldn't be my ideal way to spend my evening. I'd rather be home sleeping or enjoying the peace that my playlist gives me but I felt so wounded up lately and it wasn't simple affection I was seeking,it was something more.

I just wanted to see something new, a refresher I guess. Even if it's as noisy and as tone deaf as Kuroo and Bokuto.

"Tsukki" Bokuto says imitating the owner of that pet name, Tadashi.

I side eyed him. "Don't call me that." I caught the beer bottle by the neck and took a chug. I am lucky I don't get drunk easy.

"Pick a song Kei", Kuroo says plopping beside me after his over the top performance. Our skin brushed and somehow it felt different than before. Lately it has been that way, I know how he feels since he confessed about three months ago despite my existing relationship, but I know I love Tadashi. So why the flutters?

"Kei?" he shook my arm lightly. "Don't tell me you're drunk"he says smirking, annoying the hell out of me. I don't even know how I begin to be friends with these two but having people you know in the national team makes it less intimidating. Tadashi didn't want to try out saying he just couldn't do it and I didn't push.

The two idiots continued butchering every known pop song out there with their overly energetic way of shouting the lyrics in the microphone. I checked my phone and saw message from Tadashi.

Going out for karaoke or wasting time as I'd phrase it,wouldn't be my ideal way to spend the time. I'd rather be home sleeping or enjoying the peace that my playlist gives me but somehow I feel so wounded up lately.

I just wanted to see something new, a refresher I guess. Even if it's as noisy and as tone deaf as Kuroo and Bokuto.

"Tsukki" Bokuto says imitating the owner of that pet name, Tadashi.

I side eyed him. "Don't call me that." I caught the beer bottle by the neck and took a chug. I am lucky I don't get drunk easy.

"Pick a song Kei",Kuroo says plopping beside me after his over the top performance. Our skin brushed and somehow it felt different than normal physical contact between friends. Lately it has been that way and I know how he feels since he confessed about three months ago despite my existing relationship, but I love Tadashi. So why the flutters?

"Kei?" he shook my arm lightly. "Don't tell me you're drunk"he says smirking, annoying the hell out of me. I don't even know how I begin to be friends with these two but having people you know in the national team makes it less intimidating. Tadashi didn't want to try out saying he just couldn't do it and I didn't push.

The two idiots continued butchering every known pop song out there with their overly energetic way of shouting the lyrics in the microphone. I checked my phone and saw message from Tadashi.

'Ill sleep now. Take care, love you.' The text was sent at 9pm and it's already midnight so I didn't reply though I feel guilty and worried that he might feel ignored these days.

I didn't mean it. The business of everything just caught up to me and when I'm at home, I see more work and it just had to be done.

I'll make it up to him.

He'll understand, he always understands.


	3. Tadashi : I Won't Ask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So tell me when you hear my heart stop, you're the only one who knows.  
> Tell me when you hear my silence, There's a possibility I wouldn't know" - Possibility by Lykke Li

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** I'm using songs for the summaries because I can't summarize even if my life depended on it. lol. Also tese are the songs that gave me the feels as I write the POV :D ***

3:05 AM

My digital clock flashed red numbers on my side table. I felt a sudden knot in my stomach and I had to run for the bathroom to throw up. I barely ate anything but here I am, knuckles white from gripping the sides of the toilet. The gagging won't stop even though I got nothing more to pass, but I am more frustrated because I know full well that something's going wrong with me.

A sound of someone seem to be rushing and scuffling along the floor caught my attention. "Tadashi!" Tsukki called my name, worry in his tone.

He spotted me on the floor catching my breath with my back against the cold wall of our bathroom. I felt too weak to put on my facade so I let it go. His warm hands began brushing my back. "Are you okay, what happened?" he asks with an effort to sound gentler.

I shook my head mustering a smile that might have looked like a grimace. "I might have eaten something bad earlier."I say while he helped me up my feet. He cleaned after the mess I made and half carried me to bed. My mouth tasted bitter despite the gurgling I did.

Tsukki looked at me like he needed something. He stood there, looking over me, something unreadable in his eyes.

"Can I sleep with you?"he asked quietly. I nodded and gave him a space beside me. Tsukki wrapped me in his arms, my face on his chest. He smelled like alcohol and perfume, not his. People often brand me as innocent or pure but I know I am not innocent enough to ignore the situation I am in, I know what Tsukki did, I know with who. Was he sad? Did I turn him off in some way? He might have done something wrong and I wouldn't have it in me to probe.

I tightened my hold on his waist. "Tsukki, I love you." I whispered. He just hummed in acknowledgement and I convince myself that he's not a vocal person that's why he cannot say it back.

But something eats at me.

The uncertainty and the clues I see kills me slowly. I'll have the strength to see the truth someday. It's not now I know, but I will.

I can feel him kissing the top of my head as sleep pulled me in.

Until Tsukki decides, I'll have this warmth, I'll have him.


	4. Kei : Don't Deserve You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You take off running and come right after me, it's what you do.  
> And I don't deserve you " - Don't deserve you by Plumb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** Tsukkiyama and KurooTsukki, I am trying to let these relationships overlap to show how Tsukki would be torn between the two. I AM NOT TRYING TO START SHIPPING WARS haha I would never hurt my precious baby Yama so forgive me***

I never meant for it to happen but who do I blame? It wasn't even the alcohol, I wasn't drunk and being sober didn't stop me from cheating on Tadashi.

I don't even see the logic in this.

My phone buzzed receiving messages from Kuroo. How I wished he wouldn't remember anything from last night even though I know it wouldn't void my mistake. Tadashi is still sleeping in my arms and looking at him makes my heart ache with guilt. I wanted to cry and confess but my cowardice stops me.

Tadashi had been hurt by a lot of things before and he trusted me, so what am I doing now?

He's being ignored yet he still cares. Making dinner, coffee when I pull all-nighters, giving me things I need. As my arms wrapped around him, I can tell he lost weight, not as fit as he was, maybe because he doesn't play volleyball anymore. His lips pale and so his skin, he might be tired but he doesn't complain.

A jerk like me doesn't deserve him but I don't have the strength to let him go.

I'm a coward and I'm selfish.

I'm sorry Tadashi.


	5. Tadashi : I Know

He might have left early, I woke with an empty space beside me craving for his warmth.

But I heard a shuffling from the kitchen and there he was making breakfast. With the best smile I got, I greeted him good morning.

"Morning"he greeted back stiffly. "Sit down and eat." It was almost a command which somehow made me giggle. It was weird, Tsukki never makes breakfast but I should enjoy it while it lasts.

He sat down across me and we started eating in silence. A few times, I catch him glancing at me like he was about to say something. "Is there something wrong Tsukki?"

His eyes were hard. "Nothing. I have to go to the campus later."

"Yeah sure." I try to hide my disappointment. "When will you be off?"

"Lunch probably. I'll try to come home early." There's that word, try. Somehow every time he tries, he ends up not doing it at all. His eyes wandered, looking all over randomly except my own.

"Sure, I'll drop by the hospital later anyways." With that he stopped eating and looked at me.

"Are you sick?"he asks worriedly. I shook my head aggressively that it almost hurt. The panic of him finding out gave me was excruciating. I could never do something like this to him.

"Just a checkup." He doesn't know I have a disease, it's my choice to hide it. All he knows is that I am a sickly child. My parents only had to inform coach Ukai as well as Takeda-sensei and they respected my decision to keep it a secret. The pitiful consequence was being a bench warmer in all the games. They were too afraid I'll break and then at some point, I started to believe that too.

"I miss you" it escaped my lips before my brain could even process it. He looked at me like I have grown a third eye in my forehead.

Tsukki looked at me in confusion but something sad crossed his eyes. "Why would you say that? We're living in the same house, don't be weird."he quips.

I laughed it off and told him not to mind me, just being silly and all and then we're back to quiet.

The day dragged on and by lunch time I received a call from my mother.

"Ma? What's up?" I tried to amp the energy in my voice because I don't want her ti worry so much.

"Dashi? Baby, are you okay?"she sounded like she's about to cry. Mama had been like this since I was diagnosed, always on edge so I make it a point to tell her how okay I am. The guilt never let go and it got to me at times but being sad about it would make the situation worse. I am killing my own mother with worry and pity and I would do anything to make that stop.

My voice turned soft and gentle."Yes ma, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. By the way, Dr. James wants us to drop by today." she says.

"I can just go later, I'm planning to anyways." I picked up some clothes and socks on the floor of Tsukki's room throwing it on the basket.

"She says to bring someone with you." she's silent after that and I can tell all the paranoia swimming in her head. As ominous as it is, I don't want to get ahead of the situation. What if it was a miracle? As crazy as declaring I am not sick anymore. I could always hold on to delusional hopes like that just to get by.

I sighed. "It's fine ma, let's meet up in the hospital at 1, I have to clean up first, alright?"

"Yeah sure, I love you Dashi" she says sweetly like she always does.

"Love you Ma." I answered before hanging up. I continued the task at hand and noticed how messy Tsukki can get when he's stressed. Something lit up on the desk and I noticed that it was his phone, he left it again.

The screen displayed the name I dread.

Kuroo.


	6. Kei : Burn Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "One look at your face, I'm back in that place  
> I'm feeling the fire , This is agony" - Agony by Paloma Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** I AM NOT NEGLECTING YAMS hahaha. I love him with all my life but this has to be done, please see how it would turn out.. Forgive me for I have sinned but you have to admit Kuroo is hot. hahaha***

I lied about having plans. 

Lately, lies kept pouring out of mouth as if my insides are made of it. It felt so disgusting, I want to run away from my own skin and hide where no one would find. I guess that's out of the options for now. I don't know even know where to go but seeing Tadashi makes me lose my temper somehow. I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at me but I can't bring to confront the situation. My laptop in my bag and a few papers for my finals was all I ended up bringing. I decided to settle for a cafe near the campus.

A chat popped up as I went online and I got curious to see Tadashi online messaging me.

'You left your phone, don't worry I left it there on your desk'

My heart pounded. I wanted to run home as fast as I could but doing so would be suspicious. My brain flashed of scenarios I wish would never happen. Tadashi seeing Kuroo's messages, breaking down because I betrayed him. Tadashi leaving me with a broken heart is something I could never fathom, just thinking about it tightens my chest. 

My soul can't bear to think about hurting Tadashi, it would kill me. I want to kill myself for this stupidity but something else tugs at the ends of my heart.

Kuroo.

No matter how I try, he's something I can't seem to shake off. His touch, his lips on mine, they lit a fire I have never felt before.

I shook my head in frustration. I don't even know myself anymore.

Is it possible for me to run away from this , to keep them both with me forever?


	7. Tadashi : Becoming a Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And so the sky becomes a dream, I never dreamt because I'm just too busy waiting for nothing and wasting away" - Wasting away by Tonight Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** I feel horrible now but trust me I'll somehow make it better for my baby Yams ;) **

"There must be a mistake!" Mama's hands trembled as she held onto the edge of Miss James' desk. "Can we do the tests again? Please?" she continued begging.

"I'm sorry but the chances of getting wrong results are next to impossible with this type of case. Tadashi has acute Leukemia, I truly apologize." Miss James' lip trembled a bit and I am thankful of having such a wonderful doctor but her words swam in my head. My brain couldn't conjure up a proper sentence for my mouth to say in this kind of scenario. We have talked about the chances of this happening before but I never thought that it really would. I guess my luck's been next to non existent by now.

I have been sick for a long time but that was bearable, that was something I can pretend not to feel. But now, it feels like I've been given a time limit and it honestly scares me but there's a weak stream of relief flooding through me. It was relieving to have known it while it's not yet too late, that I still have time left before this all ends and somehow, that would end the suffering of those people who continued to row my boat for me. 

"Mama, its fine" I held her shoulders and she continued sobbing in my arms. Miss James handed her tissues.

"There are options for treatment but we can discuss it on the next appointment when you've calmed down." She looked at me with determination in those blue eyes. "I want you to get better." Me too. But that seemed like wishing to go to the moon. It seemed too big for me to ask for and the thought makes me sad.She means it I am sure but deep within me, the truth was so prevalent and all of us here might just be thinking the same thing. I'll get worse, waste away then die. I know.

 

"I don't want treatment, if its possible." I said, both of them stared at me with confusion. "If I get treatment, I would feel more sick than I actually am, I know my body and I want to live the way I have before. I know I can." I didn't bother to sound convincing, these are words formed by what I feel, an emotion hard to name. Mama sobbed but she didn't say anything. She always respected my decisions about my disease but I can tell we'll have more arguments about this in the future.

Future, would I have one? My parents, Tsukki, all my friends who cared about me,they would have a long way ahead of them and I want to do everything I can to make it better before I go.

Mama's hands were warm on mine. "Is it okay if I move back home Mama?"


	8. Kei : No More Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't want to find I've lost it all, Too scared to have no one to call  
> So can we just pretend, That we're not falling into the deep end?" - Deep End by Birdy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** I'm sorry this is getting sadder and sadder**

"What?" panic leaked from my voice. "Why? What's wrong?" In a flash, I was holding him and I can tell by his face that he's surprised by how I'm acting. His bags are all packed on the floor as he continued to fix some of his clothes left on the drawer.

His hands were on my face but warmth was robbed from them. Did he figure out about what I did? "Tsukki, Mama needs someone to be with her for a few months." Something sad remained in his eyes. "Papa's on a business trip abroad and I'm worried that she's alone, okay?"

Tadashi's voice is like silk, wrapping around me like a blanket of comfort while I betray him from the inside.

"Okay." I managed to say.

There it was, that smile that I would do anything for. "It's not like I'm vanishing." The thought was too haunting to bear. My trembling lips touched his and the calm spread all over me. It was warm and peaceful, something precious. We pulled away and he just stared at me with his freckled face and warm brown eyes.

"What do you feel?" he asks, a sad smile settling on his lips.

"Huh?" I am at lost, what does he mean?

His palm was on my cheek. "Did your face heat up?" It continued moving down to my chest without malice and intent, like a conclusion forming before me. "Did your heart speed up?" Ever so gently, he grazed my arm until his holding my wrist. "Is your pulse going crazy?"

"What-?" I began to protest but I wouldn't know what to say even if i had all the time in the world.

He cut me off quickly. "It might have faded away but you haven't realized, Tsukki."

"No, what are you saying?" I felt desperate, I want to force myself to feel all the things he mentioned but all I felt was pure calmness, something I know was safe, something I always expected. "You're leaving me?" I feel like i was on the very edge of losing my sanity, 

"I'm leaving for us to have a chance to think about this. Tsukki, please think about it carefully. You're free to do what you like but please take care." His lips were on my forehead before he walked out of our apartment, away from me. For a mere second I don't know how to breathe, I forgot how to keep my stoic shell that I have been setting on display ever since I can remember.

His scent still lingered on his bed making my tears fall and there's no stopping them.

Is this what losing him feels like?


	9. Tadashi : His Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I was just taking my time and I was just looking for outs, like you were, And I was just falling in line"
> 
> \- Happening by Olivia Broadfield

Two months.

That's how long it took me to gain courage for this moment.

He looks cool like he had always been. Messy dark hair, his national team jacket, few piercings and on his nice face. His physique looked better than before, clearly a product of hard work and discipline and I truly admire him for his passion to be one of the best players.

"You have some nerve." he says smirking dangerously. "You don't have an idea how much of a wreck he is." his voice wasn't angry but it was accusing. I understand it, I'd be angry if I was him.

"I know, I visit him few times a week. But I need to explain something to you." Kuroo looked at me, ready to challenge my reasons.

I took a sip of my coffee. "Since when?"

Patience drained from his eyes but there were more, fear and panic mixed in. "What the-"

"I'm not going to retaliate, just tell me the truth." I say as calmly as I possibly could and I was surprised I managed that.

His hands turned to fists on the marble table. "Before you moved out." he avoided my gaze as my heart stung badly. "He didn't know what to do, we're not proud of it but I love Kei."

"I know." It was quiet. The coffee became more bitter than I remembered but I let it assault my taste buds. "I freed him Kuroo, and I want you to take responsibility."

A low chuckle escaped him as he threw the napkin down the table. "You think I want leftovers? God damn Tadashi, I don't need pity from you." His anger made me shiver but I tried to fight the chills that I already had from my fever. A strong hand grabbed my wrist and I know there would be a bruise there hours after. He fished out cash from his pocket, leaving it on the table before dragging me out the place.

Now, my body had been getting weaker gradually and my weight kept on dropping so I know full well there's no chances of resistance. "Kuroo please-"

He walked fast and hard, my lungs couldn't keep up as my eyes start to water. We ended up in an alley, an empty but clean. Fear welled through me, not because I'm scared of him but I am of what he's about to say. Kuroo isn't dense, I know he sees through my facade as if we are now standing in court in a middle of a match. His eyes tell me he's measuring this situation, analyzing how to get answers, how to win.

"What the hell are you doing?"he spits out as I try to catch my breath.

"I'm not doing anything, I'm simply not ignoring the fact that Tsukki doesn't feel the same way I do, he loves you." my words turned into a whisper and saying those words weighs my heart down.

"You're acting like it's nothing, and you're making me feel like I'm begging for something that belongs to you!" his cheeks were damp from tears and my hand trembled with the sight.

"None of it was easy. I still love him, do you think it doesn't hurt?" My tears kept coming. "I know he kisses you! I know he touches you! He cannot even bare to do the same before I moved out and it stings but what choice do I have? Use my impending death against him?" My head spun and breathing became a challenge.

"What do you mean?" Kuroo caught my arm when I tried to walk away. "Hey..." it was gentle now, the way he said it. My fever might be rising and my skin broke out in goosebumps due to the soft wind that blew.

I looked at him and with a smile saying I gave up, I said "I'm sick."


	10. Kei : Not Myself Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Someone stop the clock before the good gets lost, before my heart has to start again" - Where to now by Cider Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Thank you all for reading. I'll try to update as fast as I could :)

"Kei-chan?" a woman softly spoke at the end of the line.

"I was wondering, is Tadashi home?" There were sounds of metal pans clanking in the background and for sure she's been baking again. She cooked a lot whenever Tadashi goes home and I get a lot of those tasty treats when he comes back to our apartment. The thought of Tadashi's other home being not with me anymore breaks my mind into pieces but then the constant reassurance from him gives me hope that the decision we made were correct. As terrible as it is,seeking comfort from him helps me cope with the guilt. I fucked up yet he still assures me that it's fine, and I want to kill myself for feeling better because of that. He's all give, no take, all for me, a selfish fucked up teen who acts like a better person than the rotting soul inside. 

"Dashi?" she hummed thinking. "He says he will visit you, maybe he's on his way now."

Putting on my shoes, I readied to go outside. "Oh alright, I'll call him. Thanks Kiko-san." with that, I hung up and proceeded to call Tadashi. I noticed texts from Kuroo and even though Tadashi gave me freedom, getting excited and happy with things like this triggers guilt. Maybe it's something I wouldn't get over so soon adn honestly, I don't want too. Not being guilty might mean not being in love with Tadashi. I cheated, loved someone else, but I always wanted to be in love with him,always. 

I ignored his texts when I noticed an unusual sender. Hinata? It's quite unlikely for us to text one another since I'm not fond of him and his partner in moronity.

_'Tsukishima, you with Yamaguchi?'_

He didn't know we broke up. We didn't announce it like some big news, it's not something to boast about so I expect this kind of insensitivity from everyone. Scrolling through the numbers, I hit the dial button beside his name ready to give him a refresher course on how not get in touch with me for the rest of his regretful existence.

"Tsukishima!" he exclaims, too loud for my liking.

"Why are you asking about Tadashi?" I asked, getting to the point. I heard a couple of faint but audible _'hey Tsukishima'_ in the background so I assumed he's with company.

"Well yeah, I was wondering cause I was in the shopping district to meet up with Daichi-san and Suga-san. We got these awesome new knee pads in this dope sto-"

I don't have time for this. "Cut to the chase moron."

I heard a _'tsk'_ in the background and a chuckle from who I assume was Daichi-san. So I am on speaker, my annoyance is peaking.

"Well, I saw some people gathering around an ambulance and stuff then I checked to see but I can't." I heard a snicker and someone saying _"Cause you're too short dumb ass."_

Hinata ignored it and went on. " It wasn't clear but I heard someone saying Tadashi, asking for the name Tadashi and I got curious. I bumped into Kuroo too. Geez, it's been a weird day."

My blood froze. "Kuroo?"

"Yeah, he was in a hurry or something so we didn't talk."

"Hinata" he made a sound of surprise when I called his name seriously. "Tadashi's not with me. He was supposed to meet me but..." my mind raced with possibilities of what might have happened. What are the odds that he'll be in an accident, or a crime, everything that he doesn't deserve. All that should've happened to me. 

It was quiet and I hated it. Suga's voice suddenly filled in trying to calm the tension. "We'll check the hospital, don't worry."

"Thank you." was all I could say before hanging up. He tried calling Tadashi after to prove that there's no need for exaggerations but his line is out of service and the paranoia won. I tried a couple more times, still no answer and my instincts tells me to run to the hospital to see for myself.

Then I remembered, Kuroo was there. God forbid this was his doing, I might have the courage to strangle him to death. At times like this, there was Tadashi to calm him down, tell him it's fine, comfort him with soft touches and hugs. I threw it all away just to seek for something fun, some excitement. Stupid. 

"Kuro, hey!" I couldn't tone down the urgency in my voice as I rush about and talk in the phone at the same time. "What did you do?"

His voice screamed misery. "Kei..." he called my name but not with his usual cheerfulness this time, not with the passion that we shared. Just himself coming undone. 

"What did you fucking do!" my hands balled into fists at my sides as I ignore the stares people are giving, hailing a cab while screaming into my phone.

"I did nothing! I don't know!" he sounded like he was about to cry and I held back the comfort I want to give. "Yamaguchi... he's in the hospital... I'm sorry Kei, I can't do this." The line went dead and I couldn't even help myself from screaming at the driver to get to the nearest hospital. My heart swelled with fear, guilt, anger and other emotions I couldn't name. It felt as if my skin was slowly etching away, breaking down into pieces.

The phone vibrated in my hand and I see a text from Suga-san.

_'Angel Cross Hospital, he's here._


	11. Tadashi : Not Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If I was not myself and you were someone else  
> I'd say so much to you and I would tell the truth" - Dead in the Water by Ellie Goulding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** I"m so sorry for the mix ups the chapters had me confused fixed it already, i''l update soon!~

My mind's awake but my body isn't.

I couldn't remember passing out but by now all there is was pitch black and the air felt too heavy to breathe in.

"I.V." a woman's voice commanded calmly. She might be a doctor, but not mine. I can hear shuffling all around me but I can't feel any pain. As numb as I am, they might have been splitting me open and I wouldn't have felt it. I tried to find comfort in the background but nothing consoled me. This felt like punishment, like being on the other side of a one way glass all alone. 

"We have to get his fever down first." the woman says again. They continued working and I continued trying to wake up but to no avail, my body just won't cooperate. What could I have done to deserve a crappy vessel called my body? It's full of sickness and pain, I would have traded my body for something as petty as a paper clip and have no regrets. No regrets, but loneliness. The depression that would swallow me for not being with Tsukki. What might Tsukki be doing now? Would he run to me if he knew? Did I make the situation worse?

The voices continued but I know I was truly alone now. Only I can see the dark, almost as if they're in another world. A world I couldn't be in. Would it be like this when I die? I might want that, to still see them, to still be with them even if they don't know.

A sharp buzzing started in my ear and all I want was to shake it off but it was quickly followed by the throbbing in my head.

The pain came back, slowly spreading out. My skin felt like it's on fire every time a gentle breeze brushes on it. My lids were too heavy too be pried open but I doubt that it will ease my pain to see the white sterile lights and masked doctors working on me. That setting always made me sad, even on TV. 

A sharp sting on my arm was prevalent this time, the fluid might have been thick since I can almost feel the weight as it flowed. Warmth enveloped me starting from my feet to my chest, a blanket? It felt really nice, like a personal shield against everything that hurts me, something I wished existed in real life. 

I'm still trying. I really am.

"Dashi baby." Warm hands caressed my face gently. "Rest now, mama will be here when you wake up." She knows I'm here listening, I don't know how but I can tell she knows and that's all I need to make my punishment feel like a moment of peace.

"Thank you, mama" I wanted to say, even without any word I'm sure she knows this too.

With those words, I have something thing to look forward to after the dark pulled me in, I'll wake up to the people I care about. This is why I try so hard, because it's not yet time to stop.


	12. Kei : Secrets You Kept

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Here's to never ending circles, And building them on top of me" - Never ending circles by CHVRCHES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Sorry this took too long, I'm so busy with the family stuff lately but no worries this is not gonna be cancelled, I apologize for the wait **

"He's fine now." Suga approaches calmly trying to get a grasp of my hands but my mind was drowning with adrenaline not allowing me keep still. I paced in front in the waiting room not knowing what to do exactly.

Doctors and nurses pass by, busy and oblivious to the panic that runs inside me. A doctor was talking with a woman walking towards our direction.

"Kiko-san!" she regarded me with sad eyes but a small smile laid on her lips.

Her arms extended towards me and all I wanted was to cry then and there. "Kei-chan" She held me as the shaking of my hands subside. "It's fine" she whispers in an attempt to comfort me.

"What happened to Yamaguchi?" Hinata shamelessly asked Kiko-san with full curiosity and worry. She looked down for a moment, as if fighting a battle within herself and I can tell it's something about Tadashi.

"Was it an accident?" I offered to make it easier. She shook her head softly before gaining the resolve to look at us.

"Dashi doesn't want you guys to worry so we decided to keep it but you've always been good friends to him so I know you deserve the truth." Suga-san's hand tightened on Daichi-san's arm due to the anticipation. He words sounded like an omen and I just wanted the world to just stop for a while and let me breathe. It felt as if invisible hands were around my throat trying to choke the life out of me. I just want to breathe.

"He's sick, had been for a while now." she looks torn about it. She's not bawling like what I am about to do, she looked like she already accepted it and Tadashi might have a lot to do with it for sure. He's good at this, putting others before him, too good actually.

"Sick?" Suga-san's voce almost broke as Daichi-san rubbed his arm to keep him calm. "What do you mean by sick Yamaguchi-san?" his eyes watered and I just had to look away.

Just let me breathe. Make it stop.

I couldn't help it, it's as if my body cannot be commanded by my brain anymore. My knuckles stung as it maid contact with the concrete wall. I felt the bones crack but the pain seemed like a reward compared to the pain swelling in my chest. 

I wanted more, more than what Tadashi suffers from because I deserve it all. A strong hand caught my arm stopping me from assaulting the wall one more time. The remained undamaged, uncaring of what would likely happen, of who gets hurt and I envy that so much.

"Don't ruin yourself like this, he won't like it." Kageyama says letting go of my arm gently. His eyes weren't mocking, instead it mirrors the sadness in mine. All energy left him and it's mystery his feet can still make him stand. MY mind was a haze much more so my heart but I didn't really know what to feel. Most of the time, I know what to do, depending on logic makes everything feels more correct than going by feelings. I can't even begin to think of logic at this moment.

Broken, that's what I am and the pieces might be too damaged to be put back. I might not even be deserving to be fixed anymore.


	13. Tadashi:  You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~What is hidden must be revealed ~

"I'm sorry you guys." My friends looked like complete messes, sobbing and angry. I smiled at the weight of their concern, thankful of how lucky I have become of meeting them. "This is what I want to avoid actually." my eyes wandered at the IV connected to my arm. "I hate it when people pity me. It's not like I'm gonna drop dead all of a sudden." I managed a laugh but my audience rejected the humor.

"Yamaguchi, we don't pity you, but we really care about you..." Hinata couldn't complete his sentence as he began to sniff.

Suga grabbed my free hand gently and held it as if his life depends on it. "You can trust us on being here for you anytime you need us." His eyes stared into mine as he spoke right to my soul, he's good at this, he does it all the time being the light of the group. I squeezed his hand back as a response and hope that he'll take his promise at heart. Hinata cried like a kid having Kageyama quietly rubbing his back. The seniors shushed him until he got his crying under control. 

They're here for me, except one. Someone I really wanted to see but I know I shouldn't. 

"Can we talk for a moment." A quiet voice says interrupting Hinata's story about that one time Kageyama's hand got stuck in a peanut butter jar. 

Everyone's eyes was on him, then on me.

"Sure" Suga says dragging everyone out with him getting a hint that this talk requires privacy.

What excuse can I give this time? No matter how good of a lie I spat on his face he might not even begin to consider it. I never thought it would be so difficult to be honest with someone I've been hiding from. This scenario played on my mind many times and I thought I could actually get away with it in real life.

I was wrong. 

"Tsukki..." I sound miserable.

"How long have you been hiding this?" He doesn't even sound angry which is more fearful than the lashing out I imagined. Tsukki stared at me, pure sadness in those golden eyes I love. 

" I was diagnosed January this year." I found my hands unconsciously playing with the hem of the white hospital blanket. "I was shocked too."

Tsukki ruffled his hair out of frustration before sitting down on the chair beside my bed. "God" he whispers with a humorless chuckle and before I know it he's crying, no, sobbing.

He is sobbing freely and so uncharacteristic. Of course I've seen Tsukki cried before, including the time we broke up but this is different. This is him falling down to pieces that can't be fixed and I caused it.

"I'm sorry Tsukki, sorry..." I can't bring my self to hold him, to cry. All I did was stare and apologize for what the disaster I stirred.

"What the hell!"he shouts. "Your mom told me everything. You didn't even get treatment?" The intensity of his voice kept rising and my heart started to burst through the seams. "Why do you act like it's fucking okay?"

He bent down in front of me until we're eye to eye and the fury in his made me tremble.

"This is not fucking volleyball, if you lose there won't be another game. You can't just beat cancer with your stupid determination! Why are you being stupid!" he was breathless and crying after that.

My face was damp with my own unwelcomed tears. "Sorry Tsukki..." my hands found his arms being in the middle of it. There's nothing more I like to do than to kiss him and tell him it's going to be fine and I'm not going to die but even I know it's too far fetched of a fantasy. "I'm not okay with this, you know?"

I let our foreheads touch as he maneuvers so he's sitting with me on the bed, arms intertwined and messy tears. "I don't want to die to, I want to see you more, my family and everyone on the team but..."a sob escaped his chest. "...but we all know how this is going to end Tsukki."

He let me lean my head on his shoulder since the my labored breaths is making me dizzy. Warm hands caressed my back as the saddest voice Tsukishima Kei can ever make asked, "Do you hate me that much to not tell me?"


	14. Kei: To be Damned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Numb, Fine, You create a rarity of my genuine smile" Dodie - Intertwined
> 
> Kei regrets it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** I'm horrible for not updating often I know. Forgive meeee~ Σ(*ﾉ´>ω<｡`)ﾉ

It's supposed to warm, but his body's cool to the touch and his skin paler than what I have remembered. "I'm sorry Tadashi, I really didn't mean to hurt you, I just... I can't lose you"

Faint breaths of air touched my neck as his chest heaved for oxygen, we both do. I can tell he's still crying as the cloth covering my shoulder continues to dampen. My arms caged his frail body like I did before, afraid to let go, angry to think that I have to.

"I want you to be lonely Kei." I pulled away surprised by his forwardness. His eyes were half closed and face a faint shade of red, not as flushed as he could get before, pale and smiling sadly. "When I die of course I want you to be sad,and cry, because I'm selfish and I want to know it hurts you as much as it hurts me when I leave."

My glasses were nothing but two blurred windows so I discarded them before wiping my face with the sleeves of my pullover. "I might want to die too." my voice was unrecognizable. Tadashi being a lifeless shell left by his soul, its something unfathomable for me. It causes great fear that crawls up my skin until it was all over, consuming.

"Let's face it Tsukki, this is happening. We both know how this is gonna end so I want you to listen to me until then." he says voice hoarse as he clings to me weakly. "I want you to be my best friend, you don't have to be my savior, just stay."

"Tadashi, about Kuroo.." I started to choke up on my words, apologies seem to not make it out my mouth.

Is it pride? Fear? Guilt?

With little strength in his veins, I felt him squeeze my arm slightly. It breaks my heart how I didn't notice his weakening, all I did was figure out how to selfishly keep myself happy. "I know, we talked."

"Did he -

"He didn't do anything Tsukki, I might have caused some trouble between you two though." a soft smile warmed his features but I can tell how he must me devastated inside, it kills me too. "I have a request Tsukki, fix it up with Kuroo. I know you love each other and we broke up months ago so I'm okay, you're a grown up so I know you can decide for yourself. Don't decide to leave Kuroo just because I'm dying, I won't like that." 

"Stop saying that you're dying, you're not." I commanded quite harshly but got a soft giggle from him instead of an emotional response I was expecting. 

 

He held me to let me cry, as if I deserved to be comforted after all I did. "Sorry Tsukki" he answers like he always does like a reflex, something involuntary before humming the tune of the song he used to play when we first moved in together. 

My eyes were red and raw as my throat felt dry and scratchy. I must have cried for hours and I am surprised that my tears didn't ran out. All I can do is to cry like a pathetic moron I am so I might just bawl until my mind decides it' s time to function properly. With all the logic I fully relied on , I know that it's stupid to think that Tadashi is suffering with his disease because I cheated. It doesn't work that way but somehow being rational is not a concept I can let in my head.

He's dying. It's my fault, I know. He's hurting but here he is, trying to sort out any damage he could cause me.

He always put me first, always.

And this is why I know I'll be damned into the very depths of hell for hurting the most precious being I know.


	15. Tadashi: What Scares Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Let's go to sleep with clearer heads and hearts too big to fit our beds  
> And maybe we won't feel so alone before we turn to stone" - Ingrid Michaelson (Turn to Stone)

It was slower than I expected it would be.

The fever kept coming and going leaving me lethargic most of time. There were points that I drift in and out of consciousness when the weakness takes over. Some mornings, I was actually able to stay awake for a considerable amount of time and also have enough energy to talk with everyone.

Everyone. They all visited me almost everyday. 

Of course I know they all have their own lives but they still made the effort to drop by as much as they can that sometimes I even asked my mom to stop them from dropping by so much during the weekdays since visiting me won't change anything after all. I don't want to make them feel like seeing me is part of a schedule, an item in a to-do-list. 

I am awake, at least I am trying to be because it's a Saturday and the Karasuno team's visit is to be expected. They would bring me presents like flowers--which I roll my eyes on no matter how laborious it is to do so, -- manga and even fries. Back when I was not so ill, it's seldom the team got together in one place despite our constant communication via SNS since our schedules just doesn't match. But as I look around, happy faces joking around like our high school days warmed my always cold room that I treat as a cage most of the times. 

"Open" Kei softly commands popping an orange inside my mouth. Eating had been an effort but they took time to get these for me and I wouldn't waste it. 

Hinata came bouncing up and down, excitement in his eyes, " Yama, it was really incredible! The most incredible concert ever!" he says full with energy, Kageyama nodding in agreement.

Tsukki clicks his tongue in annoyance matching it with an eye roll. "Careful stupid." he chastises as he's getting quite close to the apparatus. "How would you know it's the best? I bet this is the only concert you've seen." he says effectively shutting up the orange ball of enthusiasm . Hinata's face reddened as he puffed walking away complaining how Tsukki is a dumb ass and how he should improve his attitude. All I can do was giggle and continue to watch as it all continued to amuse me. 

But then it got cold suddenly and sleepiness struck me hard out of nowhere. I can't, not when they are here. I wanted to fight but my lids got heavier and breathing seemed to be a luxury I am barely having. Oxygen have become very selfish in sharing itself and suffocating might be hard to hide.

"Yama..., Oh no! What's wrong?... Yamaguchi!"

"Hey Dashi?" Tsukki's voice was the most dominant out of all the worried voices floating above me. 

I tried my best to get my mouth to cooperate. "Help" was what I waned to say but I think it came out in inaudible gasps as I choke on the invisible vice grip closing my throat . Then there were hands, steady and fast as they helped oxygen flow through my veins again. No matter how I try to open my eyes, my vision was a blur of white lights and distorted features of people moving above me, I assume my nurses and doctors. 

"Fluid in lungs, positive." A woman says as I felt myself being wheeled somewhere. My chest was hurting since yesterday, but it was nothing unmanageable so I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I just don't want everyone tiptoeing around me afraid of every minute that I would just die suddenly. It scares me that everyone is afraid of what my own body does to me. Their fear kills me. 

I guess they are all scared now. I guess I'll just have to apologize when I wake up, I'll apologize for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still reading you're the best! Thank you guys I know I'm quite an ass for no updating fast enough. Well work happened and there's a lot of crap popping up here and there. Also after this one, I'm working on a YURI ON ICE fic expect some angst since I'm real bad at fluff xx
> 
> xx Thanks so much!~ xx


	16. The Black Hole Awaits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the brightest of stars fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Today it ends...  
> I'm sorry for the angst I just can't seem to write fluff properly LOL  
> Anw, I'm working on a YOI fic so stay tuned~
> 
> THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING UNTIL THE END <3
> 
> -J

(Third person POV)

Tadashi's doctor explained what happened as simple and as empathetic as he could saying fluid entered his lungs causing difficulty in breathing.

It got worse from there. 

An oxygen mask became a fixture on his face, almost blocking those freckles that lost their shine. Often times, Kei would arrive on the other crying due to intense headaches since the blood not capableable in carrying enough oxygen to the brain. Everyone can tell he's been fighting this battle no matter how little his chance of winning might be.

Does he even want to keep going? Wouldn't it be easier to just let it all go? All of them thinks that Tadashi never deserved any of this, not even the tiniest of pain but here he is, withering before them. 

With enough fixtures and equipment installed at the Yamaguchi's home, he was allowed to go home since he never agreed to treatment in the first place. It was nice being home again, Tadashi though. The smell of his room, his bed, even though they've all been tampered with his illness he'll always be happy to stay. His mother quit her job to stay with his son every second she can. Her employer reassures her that she may comeback anytime she likes and she'll be accepted considering she's one of the best in her field, all this putting guilt into Tadashi for taking her away from what she loves doing.

But within the time he spent like thid, Tadashi learned to be selfish. He learned to accept the feeling that everyone's life linked to his. He didn't question whether Kei and Kuroo still see each other but he reveled in the fact that Kei was with him most of the time. Even when Kenma visited to apologize for Kuroo, explaining that somehow it was his fault for neglecting the volleyball captain and got Kei involved in their relationship trouble. It was all okay because it felt like Kei chose him and that made him happy. He just wished everyone could also feel happy like him but he's not in the position make wishes.

"This is getting troublesome." Tadashi says, words a bit muffled by the tubes connected to his lungs.

Kei continued working on his project beside on Tadashi's desk. "What is?"

"This."he tried to wave his hand to gesture his state but can only move them for a fraction. "You don't even got o school anymore, how about volleyball?" he asked with a soft sigh.

Kei stopped working on his project then walked across the room to his bed. "Can I lay with you?"he asked, a bit shakily ans unsure since they hadn't been a same bed since they broke up. Tadashi looks up at him and beamed weakly at Kei inviting him to his personal space. They laid like that for a couple of minutes, quiet and careful not to rip out any tubes. Tadashi buried his face on his chest sniffing Kei's shirt lightly. He remembered how the that freckled nose loved the scent of his perfume even when it's mixed with sweat. Tadashi loved everything about him, the good, the bad and even the ugly and Kei felt that, he's thankful for that. 

"I'll miss this." Tadashi says smiling. Kei didn't chastise him for saying that because he doesn't want to hold Tadashi back when he's ready to give up this fight because as much as he wants them to be together, he doesn't want to see his best friend suffering. Instead, he held on tighter as if requesting Tadashi to take Kei with him wherever he might go and Tadashi melted in his arms.

"When the day comes, open my desk drawer." he speaks softly, lovingly even triggering everything inside Kei putting no bars for his tears. "The key is on Tracy's tail." Kei knows he's referring to the plastic triceratops on his vanity that he gave him for his thirteenth birthday. 

He doesn't know what to answer, but he promised he will do anything he requests. "Okay." he says quietly, hoping he doesn't have to open that drawer soon. 

But life has other plans for the both of them. 

Kei's hands tremble as he slowly removes the key hanging on Tracy's tail, his bones losing drive to move. He didn't expect it would be this fast, just like that the Tadashi's gone. It's hard to realize and he might never accept this loss for as long as he live because try as he might, he can't deny that half of his self went with Tadashi. He stood there in the abandoned room, quiet and still, his things all untouched. The funeral seemed to long for Kei. Those crying people almost insulted him because in his own little world, he is the only one who has the right to grieve for this loss. He wants to be the only one to hurt and cry and break down to pieces but throwing a fit might not be something hid best friend would like in his funeral. And so he escaped. 

He he is, standing in the middle of the room, breathing in what's left of his scent before opening the drawer with a shaky hand. The smell of wooden cabinets and antiseptic filling the air around him as he pulled the drawer open revealing Tadashi's secret. Most of it was random belongings like art pens, keychains and their pictures. He then spotted a paper in the corner and his heart welled up with emotions. It was on those silky papers that he loved to write on when he practiced his calligraphy.

Crumpled tux and messy face, Tadashi managed to do better than him for the last time.

_Kei,_

_You're my best friend and I never stopped loving you. I forgave you long ago unless you still don't believe me. If you're reading this it means I'm not with you anymore and I'm sorry for that, sorry for not fighting hard enough. I wont tell you to be happy cause that's bullshit._

_But please know that I'm glad that you grieve for me. Thank you Kei for crying for me, hurting for me, loving me. Be lonely, sure but don't let it stop there. We're soul mates and you know that so please know that a part of me will stay with you, as long as you want it to._

_Live your life Kei, nothing shall hold you back._

_I love you always._

_\- T. Yamaguchi_

_"Tadashi, thank you." His tears were unforgiving as shameless sobs escaped his body._

He couldn't stop his shaking and all he see is his beloved, the stars of his life. He whispers into space, "I'll see you again, I promise."


End file.
